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Existential
psychology can be summarized as this: people live trapped in a box;
we must get out of that box.
As human beings, we have an incredible capacity for
happiness. For loving involvement. For appreciation of beauty. Our
mere existence is profound, mysterious, and wonderful.
We need to
regain what is important in life. We are not living the lives
we were meant to live. This realization shouldn't depress us. It
should motivate us to action!
Existential Psychology
In psychology, there are different "schools" or traditions. There are
Freudians; there are the behaviorists; and there is the third school of
humanistic/existential psychologists.
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We're taught how to act, talk, think, and feel--conditioned. Some conditioning is good, but a lot mainly serves the interests of other people (individuals, governments, corporations, etc.). Our thinking is shaped by people and things with agendas different than ours. Here our human nature works against us: we are genetically programmed to imitate and conform.
The result: most of how we see the world is distorted. That limits our ability to deal with the world and other people and to do things that lead to happiness.
Adding to our problems is our tendency to worry. We constantly worry about the past and future. And in the present, we impose our needs (real or imagined) and expectations on how we see other people and the world.
Further, as we grow up, we cope with fears by adding false layers to our personality. We do things to try to appear more intelligent, more interesting, more successful, etc.
These added layers (affectations) are yet another thing that comes between our real selves and the world. Most affectations are rooted in the desire to be loved. And yet, these things make it more difficult to relate to others, and for real love to occur.
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PARATAXIC DISTORTIONS "The expression 'parataxic distortions' was introduced by Harry Stack Sullivan (1892-1949) to describe our tendency to distort the perceptions we have of others. These distortions amount to cognitive errors which occur whenever we relate to another person not on the basis of the real attributes of the other, but wholly or chiefly on the basis of the person we see in our fantasy. The personification in our head is partly transferred from the past and partly unconsciously manufactured by us under the pressure of our needs." Molnos, A. (1998): A psychotherapist's harvest |
Alienation
So there's a lot that takes us away from who we really are and what we really want. We live in a state of "alienation." Our true selves are alienated--distanced or apart from the world, from society and from other people.Society tells us we should be happy with material possessions, etc. But we know something is missing. It's like being trapped in a box, because there is this wonderful beautiful reality that resides within us--in our hearts and souls, in our highest dreams and aspirations.
Our inner nature resists how our superficial selves attempt to live. In this war, there can only be one victor: our true nature. We cannot change who we really are. The choice is between the expression of our true selves, or a life of unhappiness.
Alienation is everywhere now. It's gotten worse. In the 1960's, people talked about it. Alienation existed, but people recognized it. Now it's out of control. People are more alienated than ever but have no idea what the problem is. They have never known anything different.
Frankly, I think you know all this. The real question is how to get out of the box.
Finding the Way Home
Above we identified several things that mess up our lives:- Conditioning
- Worry and anxiety
- Needs and expectations
- Affectations
Getting out of the box--living life as the
person your really are--
means overcoming these problems. It can definitely be done. To do so
is not especially easy. But it is much easier to
address these problems than to continue leading a diminished life.
When religious people
talk about 'enlightenment', they usually make
it seem like a big deal--like you have to go to a monastery for 20 years
or read tons of books to be enlightened. I don't think that is what the
spiritual masters are talking about at all.
Truth is simple, not
complicated. In large part, enlightenment means simply being
en-lightened--literally, becoming lightened. It is letting go of old
layers, not adding new ones. It's not a matter of going somewhere we've
never been, but one of returning to where we once were. In fact, we have
already been in this state--as children. We've just acquired a lot of
surplus baggage in the process of growing up.
Getting Lighter
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Don't suppose that you must read many esoteric tomes to find enlightenment. That kind of thinking is just another pitfall, another game we play to keep from being enlightened!
This
doesn't mean you need to figure out everything from scratch. No,
definitely avail yourself of what great minds, past and present, have
said about the human condition. But do so efficiently. Don't let
learning become more important than living.
So how does one become en-lightened? The first step is to realize
that you have built up these layers of
affectations. Look for them! Have the desire to find them. Question
your habitual assumptions about yourself: that you need this or that
to be happy.
Look at the various elements of your life. Your possessions. Your
profession. Your friends. Your activities. Consider how each of these
may relate to an affectation--something you've added to your
personality to make yourself appear better, or to symbolically satisfy
some personal need for security. And consider whether this thing is
really you. Maybe you can even remember the time in you life when this
affectation developed.
As you do you will realize how many layers are associated with the need
to achieve things like love, admiration, security and friendship. In
short, most affectations relate one way or another to a misguided
attempt to receive something from another person.
This leads to the subject of relationships.
Relationships can be used to further trap us, or to
liberate us.
Unfortunately, most relationships are based on needs.
That simply does
not work. A needful person imposes their needs on the other person.
They tend to view the other person as existing for the sake of meeting
their needs. They see the person as they want to see them, not as they
actually are.
Relationships based on needs are a veritable factory for
negative emotions!
There is an undercurrent or worry and anxiety that the other person might stop
meeting their needs. Should the other person actually not meet them, anger
results. Fear of losing the other person leads to jealousy and suspicion.
And should the relationship actually end, depression results.
The real purpose of relationships is to do just the
opposite--not to
weigh us down with more negative emotions, but to help free us from the
obstacles that diminish our lives and prevent happiness.
In truth, it is rather difficult for a person to pull
him- or herself
out of the mental muck and reach a state of personal freedom alone.
Relationships are important for this.
The most obvious reason is that it is hard for us to see our own
'blind spots.' Fortunately, our blind spots are often glaringly obvious
to others. So if we wish to free ourselves from habitual distorted
outlooks and perceptions, the assistance of others is quite valuable.
The next sentence is perhaps the most important one on
this page: Every
relationship should be founded on the conscious, mutual commitment to
the liberation of the other person.
What this means is that when you go into a relationship,
you should
realize that the other person is trapped in a very complex and difficult
world. You are in a unique position. Because, you are
not subject to the same illusions and distortions as the other person
(not all of them, anyway). You can see around their blind spots, point
things out to them, help them overcome their programming and help them to
realize again who they really are and what they really want!
Add to this whatever unique skills, talents, or
experiences you may
have, and you are a powerful force that can be harnessed for the
liberation of that person!
Every person you meet is in the midst of a desperate
struggle.
But the good news--the tremendous news, actually--is that you can
make a difference. AND, the other person can make a difference for you!
So that is what I want to say here. I don't offer a
blueprint for how
to construct relationships that function in this way. All I'm doing is
laying down the premise. But I take it as axiomatic that two people
who recognize this principle can talk about and set about doing
what it takes to make a relationship that operates on this level.
Meditation is another indispensable tool for breaking out
of our boxes.
Meditation has the reputation of being very esoteric and
difficult, and
something that requires special training and years of study. But that is
not so. Meditation is largely learning to recognize and let go of bad mental
habits. It is not as hard as you think.
There's not much need to talk about meditation here. Many excellent websites can be
found. And no book is a simpler and finer introduction than "Sadhana: A
Path to God" by Anthony De Mello. You can get the book at Amazon.com
and elsewhere.
Relationships
Meditation
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This is a legacy page from an old website. For a more recent work please see my blog.
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Revised: 03 March 2009 (changed web domain)